When will I stop talking about my mom hurting my feelings or frustrating me? When (and more importantly HOW) do I stop letting her have that control and power over me? I am 40 damn years old and I am still whining about my mom. I gave up, over 10 years ago, needing her approval……… But I am sick and tired of hearing her DISapproval.
As I have mentioned I have two kiddos – and they love their grandma. When I share my frustrations about my mom with friends of mine and then they share how I should (there’s that word) appreciate my mother because they lost theirs and would give anything to have her back and get to see her… it breaks my heart (and makes me feel guilty). These two things keep me coming back for more. The abuse doesn’t leave marks, it isn’t blatant……… but it’s passive aggressive, manipulative, and filled with “shoulds” and disapproval.
I have talked about this stuff with therapists (ad naseum), I have meditated to stay present and centered, and most importantly I am learning how to change the way “I” behave….I am learning new words and phrases like “you could be right” and “no”. I am excusing myself politely from conversations. I am not feeling guilty anymore when I leave after a three hour visit that in her eyes should have lasted much much longer….. and it is getting better but today – she got me riled up again.
that’s all – if i am using this as a sounding board to be honest and talk about my growth even when it’s messy and not pretty – here it is. my mom pisses me off and I am pissed off that I let her piss me off…… i want to tell her to PISS OFF.
It’s my weekend without my kids. I am a divorced mother of two teenagers who are the source of so much delight. When they aren’t here I do one of two things. I either stuff my schedule so jammed packed and feel super exhausted by the time I see them on Sunday afternoon that I need a nap OR I don’t leave my house, silence the phone, and don’t wear pants. This weekend was the later. I watched too many romantic movies to count and ate a lot of junk food (I SOBBED at Elizabethtown and ate the shit out of cookies and doritos). My back hurts despite my occasional trips to the kitchen and bathroom for exercise and numerous rolls on my new foam roller (which i am OBSESSED with). I typically eat pretty clean so my stomach is a mess. My kids are going to get here at two and I am going to attack them. We are going to go for a hike, or a walk, or a bike ride, ANYTHING. I really need to move.
On the weekends I spend at home, I don’t “always” spend them on the couch. I also like to soak in the bathtub for way too long and read and sleep in there. I will sometimes also surf the inter-webs for hours and hours or lay in the sun with a good podcast or book. I am reading “Go set a Watchmen” and “The New Jim Crow” now. Both are great, but not yelling at me to pick them up. So this weekend – it was netflix.
I didn’t always do this. I grew up thinking that being home by yourself was not a good enough reason to say no to something. In my early 20’s – I didn’t want to be the person at home on a Friday and Saturday night because I was fearful I would be viewed as a “loser”. Which was clearly my own judgmental issues. Later in my early 30’s I was told it was “isolating” and not healthy. So I would force myself out often with people I didn’t really like. Only in the last year have I allowed myself to say “no, thank you, I have a hot date with myself”.
So this morning, I read this article that pretty much describes me (with the exception of cringing when my kids get home clearly). I really love being alone. More than a lot of people around me. I work with people for my job all day long and thoroughly enjoy what I do (yoga teacher) and genuinely smile when I see students. But after being around so many people all day, I rarely want to hang with folks socially. I am just too drained and they do end up annoying me. I am also co-dependent (which I am working on). These two things combined make me often feel like an asshole often when declining so many social events because I would rather be alone (“events” sounds fancy- it’s not 🙂 ) – and then I read something that says out loud what I have been wondering in my head the whole time?!?! …I am a narcissistic asshole?!?! .. I don’t know if I am an introvert or an asshole – but I love my time alone. AND I can handle folks in small doses – so I am confident I don’t hate mankind. I am going to continue listening to myself – choose to call it “self care” – and go from there. 🙂