When will I stop talking about my mom hurting my feelings or frustrating me? When (and more importantly HOW) do I stop letting her have that control and power over me? I am 40 damn years old and I am still whining about my mom. I gave up, over 10 years ago, needing her approval……… But I am sick and tired of hearing her DISapproval.
As I have mentioned I have two kiddos – and they love their grandma. When I share my frustrations about my mom with friends of mine and then they share how I should (there’s that word) appreciate my mother because they lost theirs and would give anything to have her back and get to see her… it breaks my heart (and makes me feel guilty). These two things keep me coming back for more. The abuse doesn’t leave marks, it isn’t blatant……… but it’s passive aggressive, manipulative, and filled with “shoulds” and disapproval.
I have talked about this stuff with therapists (ad naseum), I have meditated to stay present and centered, and most importantly I am learning how to change the way “I” behave….I am learning new words and phrases like “you could be right” and “no”. I am excusing myself politely from conversations. I am not feeling guilty anymore when I leave after a three hour visit that in her eyes should have lasted much much longer….. and it is getting better but today – she got me riled up again.
that’s all – if i am using this as a sounding board to be honest and talk about my growth even when it’s messy and not pretty – here it is. my mom pisses me off and I am pissed off that I let her piss me off…… i want to tell her to PISS OFF.