I have mom issues

When will I stop talking about my mom hurting my feelings or frustrating me? When (and more importantly HOW) do I stop letting her have that control and power over me?   I am 40 damn years old and I am still whining about my mom.   I gave up, over 10 years ago, needing her approval……… But I am sick and tired of hearing her DISapproval.

As I have mentioned I have two kiddos – and they love their grandma. When I share my frustrations about my mom with friends of mine and then they share how I should (there’s that word) appreciate my mother because they lost theirs and would give anything to have her back and get to see her… it breaks my heart (and makes me feel guilty).  These two things keep me coming back for more. The abuse doesn’t leave marks, it isn’t blatant……… but it’s passive aggressive, manipulative, and filled with “shoulds” and disapproval.

I have talked about this stuff with therapists (ad naseum), I have meditated to stay present and centered, and most importantly I am learning how to change the way “I” behave….I am learning new words and phrases like “you could be right” and “no”. I am excusing myself politely from conversations. I am not feeling guilty anymore when I leave after a three hour visit that in her eyes should have lasted much much longer….. and it is getting better but today – she got me riled up again.

that’s all – if i am using this as a sounding board to be honest and talk about my growth even when it’s messy and not pretty – here it is. my mom pisses me off and I am pissed off that I let her piss me off…… i want to tell her to PISS OFF.

Growing up at 40

I can’t believe I am starting a blog.  It actually is kind of comical to me.  People have asked me if I would write something for THEIR blogs and I have declined under the guise that I am not a writer and I would most definitely do their blog a disservice. And yet, here I am. But – this is MY blog – so if I am doing it a disservice, so be it.

Over the course of the last few months I have become someone who journals. I did it because it was suggested to me after a rough breakup and it’s something I have always wanted to do. I have always liked the “idea” of journaling. I can’t tell you how many beautiful notebooks I have purchased at Target and a fancy pen – only to make only one entry and then file it onto my bookshelf.  This time, it has stuck. I think mostly because I have become someone who “shows up for myself” more now than ever. Whether it be writing, meditating, or taking the time to prepare good food for myself.  This has been a gradual process, but the reward has been astonishing. I am getting to  know myself and doing things I would never have done before out of fear of what others would think. I am surprising myself and honestly, I am my most favorite person to hang out with now.

All that being said I still have such a long way to go. I will end up getting into those specifics I am sure later – but sufficed to say – I am going to start going through this process of journaling publicly. I know I am not the only grown ass adult woman out there trying to figure out who I am, really am, and then struggle to move from who I am in my work, relationships, and even when I am by myself. When I say publicly, I don’t even know if anyone will ever read this – and i am not going to give my name.  I want to ensure I am totally honest, like stream of consciousness honest – and SO FAR when I attach my name to something I still filter (enter facebook).  Many friends tell me I am the most authentic person they know – which is an honor for sure, but it also means there are a lot of us fakers running around out there.  A lot of times I don’t have a clue as to what I truly want or what my opinion is about something…. But I am slowly learning – and I hope you will come along for the ride and maybe learn something about yourself as well 🙂