Alone and I LOVE it

It’s my weekend without my kids. I am a divorced mother of two teenagers who are the source of so much delight. When they aren’t here I do one of two things. I either stuff my schedule so jammed packed and feel super exhausted by the time I see them on Sunday afternoon that I need a nap OR I don’t leave my house, silence the phone, and don’t wear pants. This weekend was the later. I watched too many romantic movies to count and ate a lot of junk food (I SOBBED at Elizabethtown and ate the shit out of cookies and doritos). My back hurts despite my occasional trips to the kitchen and bathroom for exercise and numerous rolls on my new foam roller (which i am OBSESSED with). I typically eat pretty clean so my stomach is a mess. My kids are going to get here at two and I am going to attack them. We are going to go for a hike, or a walk, or a bike ride, ANYTHING. I really need to move.

On the weekends I spend at home, I don’t “always” spend them on the couch. I also like to soak in the bathtub for way too long and read and sleep in there. I will sometimes also surf the inter-webs for hours and hours or lay in the sun with a good podcast or book. I am reading “Go set a Watchmen” and “The New Jim Crow” now. Both are great, but not yelling at me to pick them up. So this weekend – it was netflix.

I didn’t always do this. I grew up thinking that being home by yourself was not a good enough reason to say no to something. In my early 20’s – I didn’t want to be the person at home on a Friday and Saturday night because I was fearful I would be viewed as a “loser”. Which was clearly my own judgmental issues. Later in my early 30’s I was told it was “isolating” and not healthy.  So I would force myself out often with people I didn’t really like. Only in the last year have I allowed myself to say “no, thank you, I have a hot date with myself”.

So this morning, I read this article that pretty much describes me (with the exception of cringing when my kids get home clearly). I really love being alone. More than a lot of people around me. I work with people for my job all day long and thoroughly enjoy what I do (yoga teacher) and genuinely smile when I see students. But after being around so many people all day, I rarely want to hang with folks socially. I am just too drained and they do end up annoying me.  I am also co-dependent (which I am working on). These two things combined make me often feel like an asshole often when declining so many social events because I would rather be alone (“events” sounds fancy- it’s not 🙂 ) – and then I read something that says out loud what I have been wondering in my head the whole time?!?! …I am a narcissistic asshole?!?! ..  I don’t know if I am an introvert or an asshole – but I love my time alone. AND I can handle folks in small doses – so I am confident I don’t hate mankind. I am going to continue listening to myself – choose to call it “self care” – and go from there.  🙂

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Growing up at 40

I can’t believe I am starting a blog.  It actually is kind of comical to me.  People have asked me if I would write something for THEIR blogs and I have declined under the guise that I am not a writer and I would most definitely do their blog a disservice. And yet, here I am. But – this is MY blog – so if I am doing it a disservice, so be it.

Over the course of the last few months I have become someone who journals. I did it because it was suggested to me after a rough breakup and it’s something I have always wanted to do. I have always liked the “idea” of journaling. I can’t tell you how many beautiful notebooks I have purchased at Target and a fancy pen – only to make only one entry and then file it onto my bookshelf.  This time, it has stuck. I think mostly because I have become someone who “shows up for myself” more now than ever. Whether it be writing, meditating, or taking the time to prepare good food for myself.  This has been a gradual process, but the reward has been astonishing. I am getting to  know myself and doing things I would never have done before out of fear of what others would think. I am surprising myself and honestly, I am my most favorite person to hang out with now.

All that being said I still have such a long way to go. I will end up getting into those specifics I am sure later – but sufficed to say – I am going to start going through this process of journaling publicly. I know I am not the only grown ass adult woman out there trying to figure out who I am, really am, and then struggle to move from who I am in my work, relationships, and even when I am by myself. When I say publicly, I don’t even know if anyone will ever read this – and i am not going to give my name.  I want to ensure I am totally honest, like stream of consciousness honest – and SO FAR when I attach my name to something I still filter (enter facebook).  Many friends tell me I am the most authentic person they know – which is an honor for sure, but it also means there are a lot of us fakers running around out there.  A lot of times I don’t have a clue as to what I truly want or what my opinion is about something…. But I am slowly learning – and I hope you will come along for the ride and maybe learn something about yourself as well 🙂